Shaped By a Baby

My oldest child turned ten a few weeks ago, and as I was reflecting on the first decade of her life—revisiting old photos, videos, and things I’d written—I was reminded of one humbling truth: the laws of behavior don’t play favorites, not even for people who study them for a living.

I have a PhD in behavioral science and spend my days helping leaders achieve meaningful results. Yet during those reflections, I kept coming back to a memory from when she was just six months old—a masterclass in simple behavior modification that she unknowingly gave me, one sleepless night at a time. It turned out she was doing a better job shaping my behavior than I was shaping hers.

Like many new parents, I was desperate for sleep and willing to try anything to get it. When she cried and wasn’t hungry, I’d give her a pacifier. That turned into singing to her. Then picking her up. Then letting her fall asleep in my bed. Before long, I was spending half the night trying to soothe her back to sleep. It’s right to comfort a baby and respond to their needs—but it’s also worth noticing when comfort starts turning into a pattern that teaches them (and you) something unintended.

In behavioral science, this is negative reinforcement (R–)—a behavior (mine) strengthened because it removes something unpleasant (her crying). I kept responding because it stopped the noise. She kept crying because it reliably got my attention. Each time something stopped working, I tried something new, unintentionally reinforcing the very pattern I was trying to break.

The truth is, influencing behavior—anyone’s—always comes down to understanding the environment and the consequences that keep it going. And that’s not just a parenting lesson. Most of the “problem behaviors” we deal with—in others and in ourselves—exist because we’re too quick to escape discomfort. The laws of behavior are universal. They don’t bend just because we know better.